Valentine’s Day is kind of nice, but it’s mostly a cloying, capitalist nightmare.
It makes sense, then, that the anti-Valentine’s Day community is a large and vocal one. V-Day skeptics aren’t bitter; they just hate Russell Stover samplers from CVS!
If you count yourself among the lukewarm this Feb. 14, you’re not alone. There are loads of tweets from people who also detest the holiday on which a nonzero number of people will receive a Doritos bouquet. (To be clear, I am jealous of the Doritos bouquet.)
Oh you don’t have a valentine on valentine’s day? Some people don’t even have a groundhog on groundhogs day. check your privilege
— Johnny Brittner (@JohnnyBrittner) February 10, 2019
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
— sarah schauer 🦂 (@SJSchauer) January 29, 2019
“What do uh think you’ll be getting for Valentines Day?”
Me: a snap from team Snapchat
— Anaya. (@imdalight) January 27, 2018
Can we replace Valentine’s Day with another thanksgiving?
— MisfitMama (@okayest_momm) January 28, 2018
“Actually, violets are violet,” I say, ripping up her poem.
— Anna (@anjvs) February 14, 2015
Dump your boyfriend not because I’m bored but because Valentine’s Day is coming up and it’s hard to explain but we can’t let capitalism win
— Gina (@ginadivittorio) February 10, 2019
“Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?”
Me: Yes… February 14th
— Zachary (@zacharywhyde) January 28, 2018
Instead of showing our partners love through overpriced chocolate and trite greeting cards, this February we’re going to the cave of the goddess of breastfeeding, we’re sacrificing a goat, we’re annointing ourselves with its blood, we’re running naked through the streets of Rome
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) January 31, 2019
you, a fool: its valentines day
me, an intellectual: it is wednesday my dudes
— proto (@ProtomanX97) February 14, 2018
the best thing about being single on valentine’s day is I get to eat all 2 dozen of these roses by myself
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) February 14, 2015
Here is your annual reminder that if you are single/lonely on Valentine’s Day, you can always celebrate Arizona’s birthday instead! She’ll be 106 and beautiful as ever!!
— Bryce Cluff (@Bryce_Cluff) February 5, 2019
You are never alone on Valentine’s Day if you’re near a lake and have bread.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) February 14, 2015
If men wrote candy hearts:
– what r u up to?
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) February 14, 2018
Valentines Day might make you feel more pathetic and alone but you’re not! Its impossible to be more pathetic or alone than you already were
— Brent (@Brentweets) February 14, 2016
i dont need a valentine i need 8 million dollars and a fast metabolism
— Jamie Macgregor (@m1ndspeak5truth) February 5, 2018
Rough love life? Consider these animals that definitely have it worse
-Bees’ genitals explode after sex
-Hippos soil themselves to attract a mate
-Every woman I’ve dated has had to watch Titanic with me while I recite most of the lines from memory
-Boy seahorses get pregnant!
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) February 14, 2018
Let’s all take a moment of silence this Valentine’s Day to think about the couples who started dating end of January
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) February 14, 2015
When making Valentines for preschoolers, is it ok to address them all to “Tiny Satan” since the kids can’t read? Asking for myself.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) February 11, 2016
[gives wife pet cockroaches for Valentine’s day]
Are you crying because you’re happy?
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) February 11, 2015
valentine’s day was ruined ever since Liam M. spilled hawaiian punch all of my cards in 4th grade and didn’t even bother to get paper towels! MEN!!
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) February 13, 2018
catch me on valentines day wearing a flowy top, crossfaded off allergy meds and a glass of wine, twirling to fleetwood mac in my bedroom mirror
— jaboukie (@jaboukie) January 25, 2018
Sending flowers to your significant other at work is a great way to tell all their coworkers that you used to have $60.
— ratthew (@sucittaM) February 14, 2012